We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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