If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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