It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
