he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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