I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
