Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
