new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
