So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
