If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
