I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I fill condoms, not promises.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
