1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
