but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
