do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
