Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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