FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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