I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
