Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
