I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
