youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I think I won the penis lottery.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You can't just leave with hair like that
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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