Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
