2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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