when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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