I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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