he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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