Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
