Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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