just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Randomize
