I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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