i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
