I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
