you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
