TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
