Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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