hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
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