i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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