UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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