i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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