I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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