I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
