Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
