u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
