so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
even my farts smell like vagina
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
