Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
