I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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