Just took my morning after pill in the library
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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