dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
