Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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