The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
