i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
