After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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