Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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